Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Microsoft Buys Skype for $8.5 billion...

...Skype immediately crashes.

The Annotated 10 Most Important Things Newt Gingrich Has Ever Said

    Chris Menning at Buzzfeed has posted a list of sage and insightful observations by scholar, raconteur, and philosopher-king Newt Gingrich, who announced his 2012 presidential bid Tuesday.
     Gingrich has the advantage of name recognition and being an colossal ass, so he's definitely a contender for the GOP nomination, but with a field of contenders that already includes Rick Santorum and Ron Paul and will likely include Mike Huckabee, Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, and Donald Trump (!), Gingrich will have to play the full-lunatic press right from the tip-off if he wants to out-crazy the crazies.
     Since we at totallyunspooled are innately generous and helpful, we put together an annotated version of the list for those of you who don't speak batshit:

"The idea that a congressman would be tainted by accepting money from private industry or private sources is essentially a socialist argument."

Because you can’t be “tainted” by money if you’re only in it for the money.

•"I raised so much money over the years, from so many different people that … I don't owe anyone."

Besides, I already paid those people back in pork.

 •"I love the environment, but I'm cheap on the environment."

I also cheated on the environment when it was in the hospital with cancer.

"I think one of the great problems we have in the Republican Party is that we don't encourage you to be nasty. We encourage you to be neat, obedient, loyal and faithful and all those Boy Scout words, which would be great around a campfire but are lousy in politics."

Fortunately, none of us believes that Boy Scout horseshit anyway so we don’t need the encouragement.

"I'm not a natural leader."

But I am a natural hypocrite, which is much better.

"The fact is, we can afford a fairly ignorant presidency now."

Which actually makes me waaay overqualified.

"In every election in American history both parties have their cliches. The party that has the cliches that ring true wins."

For example, “black people can’t resist fried chicken and watermelon” is one that rings true for me.

"We should replace bilingual education with immersion in English so people learn the common language of the country and they learn the language of prosperity, not the language of living in a ghetto."

Yo, peep this shit: Crackers ain’t even tryin’a hear that ghetto joint. You gotta holla back that ofay ish if you wanna get yo’ benjamins! Ain’t no thug-ass gangsta fidda stack no chips, you feel me? Aight.  

"It may just be because I get homesick, but I have concluded Washington's cherry blossoms are just plain overrated."

I really miss the strange fruit back home in Georgia.

"It's going to be a bummer if Mars turns out to be like us."

And it’s going to be absolutely apocalyptic if Mars turns out to be like me.

Osama bin...Lonely?

Oh, these things are so awkward.
Um, my name is Osama bin Laden, but  my friends just call me "Holy Sheik Warrior," or just "O-Dogg."
Gosh, I'm not sure what to say. I haven't done anything like this since I met my seventh wife. I guess I'll start with my family. I had fifty-three brothers and sisters, so, you know, I grew up in a big family. My dad had a small construction business and made a pretty good living building barracks for the Saudi Arabian army, and castles and stuff in Mecca.
I had a pretty typical childhood. My parents got a divorce when I was young, and my mother remarried. My stepfather was a great guy. He was a letter carrier, and he did beheadings for the Saudi royal family on the weekends, you know, for fun. Um, I went to university and studied various things. What I really loved was football, or, I guess, "soccer," if you happen to be an American infidel from The Great Satan. Ha ha. But, uh, a good friend of mine from Kuwait, Khalid, uh, maybe you've heard of him, Khalid Mohammed - of course "Mohammed," all my friends are named "Mohammed." Ha ha. Anyway, he accidentally kicked me in the knee while he was trying to score, and, uh, there went my pro football career.
So, um, after that I decided to join the Mujahideen in Afghanistan, because one of my uncles said he could get me a job with them, so I figured I'd give it a try. Oh, this is so- I'm sure this is really boring. Long story short, I did pretty well with them, and eventually I ended up in, uh, more of a corporate role, management and long-term planning, that kind of thing. More recently, though, I've been semi-retired. I don't get out much, just kind of putter around the house.
Hmm, what else? I'm pretty tall, and I have a longish beard, but I guess you can see that from the video - duh! Ha ha. I've been thinking about shaving, though, because of th-, well, just to change my "look," I guess. Maybe get some highlights or something.
Um, I used to like to travel, but I don't get to do that anymore. Some friends of mine who work for the government in Paki- I mean, uh, some friends of mine built me a really nice little house. It's in a really safe neighborhood, and a lot of my, well, you might say a lot of my co-workers live close by and the schools are good. It would be nice if there was a Starbucks nearby, or maybe a bomb factory or something. Ha ha ha.
Umm, I like reading, making videos...jihad, you know, the usual stuff. I'd really like to find a woman wh--
Hold on.... There's a ton of racket going on outside. Lots of shouting and, it sounds like a helicopter or something. I guess I'd better go take a look. I'll finish this in just a minute.
Be right back.