Friday, May 6, 2011

John Yoo, Armchair Commando

    In an op-ed piece published in the Wall Street Journal on Wednesday, former Bush legal counsel, torture memo writer, and all-around tough guy John Yoo chastised President Obama for killing Osama bin Laden.
    Yoo, Jack Bauer Distinguished Professor at UC Berkeley School of Law, claims that finding bin Laden's suburban hideout represents a vindication of Bush Administration policy, but by failing to capture bin Laden alive Obama squandered "one of the most valuable intelligence opportunities since the beginning of the war."
    Yoo, whose combat experience includes both memo writing and the Yale Law Journal, also argues that Obama's reluctance to torture detainees "may have dissuaded Mr. Obama from sending a more robust force [perhaps one the size of that which surrounded Tora Bora in 2001?] to attempt a capture," and that "[s]pecial forces units using nonlethal weaponry might have taken bin Laden alive, as with other senior al Qaeda leaders before him."
     So, in summary:
  • Osama bin Laden, who was not found, captured, or killed during the Bush Administration, was only found during the Obama Administration because of intelligence gathered during the Bush Administration which did not lead to bin Laden being found, captured, or killed.
  • Once found, bin Laden - the most-wanted fugitive in the entire world and the man responsible for the deaths of thousands of Americans on 9/11 and even more deaths across the globe - was killed because President Obama is too squeamish order torture. 
  • The members of the team who risked their lives in the assault on bin Laden's compound - and took fire during the mission - should been issued Tasers for their confrontation with the world's most notorious terrorist.
    No word yet on whether John Yoo has volunteered to accompany Navy SEALs on future operations.

Department of Human Resources and Death to America

Al Qaeda issued a statement Friday acknowledging the death of Osama bin Laden, portions of which are shown here. After careful examination of the statement, our team of highly-trained intelligence analysts here at totallyunspooled has reached two conclusions:
1. That's a really weird font choice.
2. Al Qaeda may be facing a recruiting crisis.