Tuesday, May 10, 2011

The Annotated 10 Most Important Things Newt Gingrich Has Ever Said

    Chris Menning at Buzzfeed has posted a list of sage and insightful observations by scholar, raconteur, and philosopher-king Newt Gingrich, who announced his 2012 presidential bid Tuesday.
     Gingrich has the advantage of name recognition and being an colossal ass, so he's definitely a contender for the GOP nomination, but with a field of contenders that already includes Rick Santorum and Ron Paul and will likely include Mike Huckabee, Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, and Donald Trump (!), Gingrich will have to play the full-lunatic press right from the tip-off if he wants to out-crazy the crazies.
     Since we at totallyunspooled are innately generous and helpful, we put together an annotated version of the list for those of you who don't speak batshit:


"The idea that a congressman would be tainted by accepting money from private industry or private sources is essentially a socialist argument."

Because you can’t be “tainted” by money if you’re only in it for the money.


•"I raised so much money over the years, from so many different people that … I don't owe anyone."

Besides, I already paid those people back in pork.


 •"I love the environment, but I'm cheap on the environment."

I also cheated on the environment when it was in the hospital with cancer.


"I think one of the great problems we have in the Republican Party is that we don't encourage you to be nasty. We encourage you to be neat, obedient, loyal and faithful and all those Boy Scout words, which would be great around a campfire but are lousy in politics."

Fortunately, none of us believes that Boy Scout horseshit anyway so we don’t need the encouragement.


"I'm not a natural leader."

But I am a natural hypocrite, which is much better.


"The fact is, we can afford a fairly ignorant presidency now."

Which actually makes me waaay overqualified.


"In every election in American history both parties have their cliches. The party that has the cliches that ring true wins."

For example, “black people can’t resist fried chicken and watermelon” is one that rings true for me.


"We should replace bilingual education with immersion in English so people learn the common language of the country and they learn the language of prosperity, not the language of living in a ghetto."

Yo, peep this shit: Crackers ain’t even tryin’a hear that ghetto joint. You gotta holla back that ofay ish if you wanna get yo’ benjamins! Ain’t no thug-ass gangsta fidda stack no chips, you feel me? Aight.  


"It may just be because I get homesick, but I have concluded Washington's cherry blossoms are just plain overrated."

I really miss the strange fruit back home in Georgia.


"It's going to be a bummer if Mars turns out to be like us."

And it’s going to be absolutely apocalyptic if Mars turns out to be like me.



1 comment:

  1. Here are a few citations:

    “The idea that a congressman would be tainted by accepting money from private industry or private sources is essentially a socialist argument.”
    http://books.google.com/books?id=EecDAAAAMBAJ&pg=PA30&lpg=PA30&dq=The+idea+that+a+congressman+would+be+tainted+by+accepting+money+from+private+industry+or+private+sources+is+essentially+a+socialist+argument&source=bl&ots=fDsczd6Wj9&sig=3akXew-2tVrGHflbei164OHuYqc&hl=en&ei=KafJTeTcJOnUiAKW0fmbBQ&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=4&ved=0CC4Q6AEwAw#v=onepage&q=The%20idea%20that%20a%20congressman%20would%20be%20tainted%20by%20accepting%20money%20from%20private%20industry%20or%20private%20sources%20is%20essentially%20a%20socialist%20argument&f=false

    “I love the environment, but I'm cheap on the environment.”
    http://www.spectacle.org/0205/prosterman.html

    “I think one of the great problems we have in the Republican Party is that we don't encourage you to be nasty. We encourage you to be neat, obedient, loyal and faithful and all those Boy Scout words, which would be great around a campfire but are lousy in politics.”
    http://www.nytimes.com/2010/07/17/opinion/17blow.html

    “I'm not a natural leader.”
    http://www.realclearpolitics.com/articles/2007/04/gingrich_lost_in_translation.html.

    “The fact is, we can afford a fairly ignorant presidency now.”
    http://articles.chicagotribune.com/1995-03-12/features/9503120259_1_newt-gingrich-bob-dole-welfare-state

    “We should replace bilingual education with immersion in English so people learn the common language of the country and they learn the language of prosperity, not the language of living in a ghetto.”
    http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,263038,00.html

    ReplyDelete

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