Osama bin...Lonely?

Oh, these things are so awkward.
Um, my name is Osama bin Laden, but  my friends just call me "Holy Sheik Warrior," or just "O-Dogg."
Gosh, I'm not sure what to say. I haven't done anything like this since I met my seventh wife. I guess I'll start with my family. I had fifty-three brothers and sisters, so, you know, I grew up in a big family. My dad had a small construction business and made a pretty good living building barracks for the Saudi Arabian army, and castles and stuff in Mecca.
I had a pretty typical childhood. My parents got a divorce when I was young, and my mother remarried. My stepfather was a great guy. He was a letter carrier, and he did beheadings for the Saudi royal family on the weekends, you know, for fun. Um, I went to university and studied various things. What I really loved was football, or, I guess, "soccer," if you happen to be an American infidel from The Great Satan. Ha ha. But, uh, a good friend of mine from Kuwait, Khalid, uh, maybe you've heard of him, Khalid Mohammed - of course "Mohammed," all my friends are named "Mohammed." Ha ha. Anyway, he accidentally kicked me in the knee while he was trying to score, and, uh, there went my pro football career.
So, um, after that I decided to join the Mujahideen in Afghanistan, because one of my uncles said he could get me a job with them, so I figured I'd give it a try. Oh, this is so- I'm sure this is really boring. Long story short, I did pretty well with them, and eventually I ended up in, uh, more of a corporate role, management and long-term planning, that kind of thing. More recently, though, I've been semi-retired. I don't get out much, just kind of putter around the house.
Hmm, what else? I'm pretty tall, and I have a longish beard, but I guess you can see that from the video - duh! Ha ha. I've been thinking about shaving, though, because of th-, well, just to change my "look," I guess. Maybe get some highlights or something.
Um, I used to like to travel, but I don't get to do that anymore. Some friends of mine who work for the government in Paki- I mean, uh, some friends of mine built me a really nice little house. It's in a really safe neighborhood, and a lot of my, well, you might say a lot of my co-workers live close by and the schools are good. It would be nice if there was a Starbucks nearby, or maybe a bomb factory or something. Ha ha ha.
Umm, I like reading, making videos...jihad, you know, the usual stuff. I'd really like to find a woman wh--
Hold on.... There's a ton of racket going on outside. Lots of shouting and, it sounds like a helicopter or something. I guess I'd better go take a look. I'll finish this in just a minute.
Be right back.