The day when Christians across America celebrate the, uh, "miracle" of their savior's death and resurrection by watching their children scramble to see who can collect the most hidden candy.
"Cause these people are totally unspooled, and I'm not just talking about the Muslims."
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Happy Easter
The day when Christians across America celebrate the, uh, "miracle" of their savior's death and resurrection by watching their children scramble to see who can collect the most hidden candy.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Department of Yer Doing It Rong
Richard Dawkins, uh, "responds" to Stephen Baldwin's insightful* questions about evolution.
Via Dispatches from the Culture Wars
*not insightful
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Department of Not Even Remotely-Surprising Statistics
Possibly related: 46% of Mississippi Republicans shocked to hear The Civil War is over, man has walked on the moon.
Department of Don't Even Have to Make This Up: Tea Partiers, Conservatives Don't Want Government Shutdown, Rally to Shutdown Government
Addressing hundreds of Tea Party activists rallying on Capitol Hill Wednesday, Rep. Michelle Bachmann (R-MN) warned that Democrats would blame the Tea Party if an impending government shutdown occurs.
"It appears that they have decided that they're going to take both feet and be stuck in the mud and not negotiate one tiddly wink," Bachmann claimed. "Because their goal, as they've already stated is to shut the government down."
"That's their stated goal. And you know what they want to do? They want to blame it on you! They want to say that it's your fault," said Bachmann to a crowd of Tea Party activists chanting "Shut 'er down!"
"I'd prefer not to shut it down," said rally attendee John Oltesuig, holding up a sign that read "Shut 'er down."
"I'd rather have our politicians act like adults," said Oltesuig, who was dressed in a colonial-period costume, "and make some real cuts because they should realize we can't continue."
Representative Mike Pence (R-IN), who, in a March interview said, "Nobody wants a government shutdown," also addressed the crowd.
"If liberals in the Senate would rather play games in this process and force a government shutdown rather than accepting what is a small down payment on fiscal discipline, then we should just shut it down," Pence said.
Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker's Analysis of State Supreme Court Election Results: Some votes are more equal than others
Gov. Scott Walker said this afternoon that the spring election results show there are "two very different worlds in this state."
"You've got a world driven by Madison, and a world driven by everybody else out across the majority of the rest of the state of Wisconsin," Walker said at a press conference in the Capitol.
In an election widely viewed as a referendum on Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker's controversial collective-bargaining measures, unofficial results show union-backed challenger JoAnne Kloppenburg ahead of incumbent Republican State Supreme Court Justice David Prosser.
In a press conference Wednesday afternoon, Walker offered an explanation for Kloppenburg's apparent victory.
"Clearly, Madison voters have too much power," said Walker. "Their votes should not count the same as those of people who agree with me, like Wisconsin's rural voters. And the Kochs."
Walker called for immediate changes to what Walker called "fundamentally anti-democratic" election procedures currently in place.
"I plan to propose a series of reforms to the state legislature," Walker said. "including a measure based on the 3/5 Compromise originally enshrined in the Constitution."
When reminded that the 3/5 Compromise was superseded by the 13th Amendment, Walker stood firm.
"If it was good enough for Jesus and our other Founding Fathers, it's good enough for Wisconsin," said Walker. "The 13th Amendment was forced upon Americans by an activist president and Congress. I will not compromise on the 3/5 Compromise."
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Bachmann's United States
Inspired by Chris Rodda's excellent (and thorough!) dismantling of Michelle Bachmann's claims to an Authentic Iowan Heritage over on Dispatches, we whipped up a map more accurately depicting our new, uh, "Bachmannian" understanding of United States historical geography.
Thanks to Ed Brayton for posting and to his readers' excellent comments, two of which - including a New England history unmuddled by facts, and how 50th state became the home of America's Heart of Darkness (and surfing) - are incorporated into this version of Michelle Bachmann's *shudder* America.
Stay tuned through the course of the upcoming presidential campaigns for more updates as Bachmann corrects more of our historical and geographic misconceptions.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Simplified Inter-Agency Threat Warning Algorithm
United States intelligence and law enforcement agencies have encountered profound difficulties in identifying potential threats. This is perhaps best illustrated by the recent attempted bombing of Northwest Airlines Flight 253. Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, a native of Nigeria, allegedly ignited an explosive device sewn into the lining of his pants. However, the exploding boxer bomb malfunctioned, leaving Abdulmutallab with second- and third-degree burns as well as a new understanding of thermodynamics. According to a statement by al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula, the attack failed because of "the interference against the will of The Great and All-Powerful Allah by the morally corrupt influence of Zionist Western infidels on the laws of chemistry and physics."
Abdulmutallab was able to carry explosives onto an international flight despite rigorous airport security screening ("Are you dedicated to dealing death and destruction to the United States and its allies, or are you just wearing a diaper?") as well as sophisticated intelligence gathering and analysis by the CIA, the NSA, the FBI, and The Joint Congressional Underwear Oversight Committee. Counter-terrorism experts attributed Abdulmutallab's smuggling success to specially-designed "Hezbollah Happy-Face" boxer briefs and sophisticated counter-detechniques training provided by al Qaeda.
"We have the most technologically-advanced equipment and more trench-coats than Burberry's," said one CIA analyst, "but al Qaeda utilizes the most effective monkey-bars training in the world. We just can't compete with that."
The failure of the U.S. intelligence community to identify and neutralize the threat posed by Abdulmutallab's underpants are detailed in a report which was recently declassified by the Obama Administration. The nearly-insurmountable obstacles faced by the intelligence agencies included the following:
Direct communication from Abdulmatallab's family
Abdulmutallab's father, Alhaji Umaru Mutallab, a well-respected Nigerian banker and former government minister, warned officials at the United States Embassy in Nigeria that his son had adopted "extreme religious views" and may have ties to terrorists in Yemen (Ed. Note: Absolutely, 100% totally true)1. At the conclusion of the meeting, embassy officials asked Alhaji Mutallab to "please spell 'Yemen.'"
Detailed files containing Alhaji Mutallab's statements, along with corroborating photographs, known associates, last known address, and Abdulmutallab's Twitter username ("@plastiqueinmypants") were compiled by the CIA, then stored next to Indiana Jones' Ark of the Convenant crate in a secure federal facilityin under Washington, D.C.
When later told by U.S. government agents that his son had been arrested for the bombing attempt, Alhaji stated, "See? I fucking told you!"
Suspect on MI-5's 'radar'
British intelligence had been aware of Abdulmutallab's political involvement with extremist groups for several years, but had not passed that information with their U.S. counterparts2. When asked to explain the failure to share threat intelligence with American intelligence, British officials said, "We didn't want to be a bother."
Critics also say the State Department should have been alert to the threat after Britain denied Abdul Mutallab a student visa to attend a bogus institution. U.S. officials say British authorities never informed them that the visa was denied, although they describe cooperation between the two countries since the incident as "seamless."3 U.S. officials also expressed uncertainty about the meaning of the word "seamless."
Abdulmutallab's name on known associates of terrorists list, "Catch-all" TIDE list, Billboard's Top 40 Nigerian Radicals list, Crate & Barrel mailing list. List Abdulmutallab's name not on? No-fly list.
Lack of communication with MI-5 aside, "Abdulmutallab had been on a list of people with known or suspected ties to terrorism for at least two years," and his name "was on the Terrorist Identities Datamart Environment list that is maintained by the U.S. National Counterterrorism Center and contains people who have loose ties or possible links to terrorism. People on the list are not necessarily on the no-fly list, or those who are not permitted to board commercial aircraft to or from the U.S,"4 while the "U.S. Customs and Border Protection agency had information about alleged terrorist Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab three days before his departure from Amsterdam to Detroit"5. Intelligence agency representatives have responded to criticism that U.S. taxpayers have funded Homeland Security efforts to the tune of $40 billion since 2001, in part to fund multiple terrorist "watch-" and "no-fly" lists that neither watch terrorists nor prevent them from flying.
"We view these lists as important tools," said a senior Homeland Security official, speaking on the condition that his name not be used because it could appear on a no-fly list. "These are tools the airlines need to maintain high airfares, force travelers to remove their shoes, and apply punitive measures against passengers who complain about overbooking, overcrowding, increasing baggage fees, and who ask to use the lavatory."
A private security consultant to major airlines, whose previous job was carrying former Vice-President Dick Cheney's soul in a secure briefcase, argued that the traveling public is being kept safe. "We are diligent about protecting American citizens," he said, "These lists are comprehensive, and the public can rest assured that no passenger aircraft will be attacked by Lee Harvey Oswald, Rhett Butler, Rosa Parks or Big Bird."
NSA intercepted communications
Roughly four months before the Christmas Day bombing attempt, the National Security Agency intercepted telephone communications in which al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula leaders discussed the possibility of using a Nigerian bomber in an attack. The intercepts were shared with the National Counter Terrorism Center6, which shared the communications with the National Security Agency. NSA officials immediately shared that information with high-ranking officials at the NCTC.
"We shared those NCTC communications with the NCTC," said an NSA official. "They also shared our communications with us."
DNI-CIA "Turf War" may have impeded communication
Director of National Intelligence Dennis Blair and Central Intelligence Agency Director Leon Panetta have been engaged in a "turf-war" for months, which may have hampered interagency communications7.
"I told Director Panetta repeatedly that there is absolutely no evidence that Mark McGwire ever used steroids," said Blair, "Plus, anyone named after a sandwich-shop chain is a stupid-head."
Panetta responded to Blair's accusations during a speech at The North American Tulip Importer's Association annual meeting, saying "His mama is sooo fat that when she was in school she sat next to everybody!"
In a leaked White House memo, President Obama attempted to arbitrate the men's disagreements. "If you two clowns don't shut the **REDACTED** up and at least pretend to be adults," the memo stated, "I will dress you both in St. Louis Cardinals Klan robes and drop you off in the middle of South-Chicago." In a White House press briefing last week, President Obama expressed optimism that the two would be able to work out their differences and focus on gathering intelligence, adding, "I can't believe I actually wanted this job."
In response to the thwarted Christmas Day undies attack, Transportation Security Administration officials are working in conjunction with airlines to ensure that every traveler is "safe, secure, and going commando." Delta, Continental, and American Airlines, among other carriers, have pledged that beginning January 1, 2010, "no passenger will ever board one of our aircraft wearing underwear." A spokesperson for Southwest Airlines, still the industry leader, expressed reservations about the practicality of such stringent security measures, stating, "Yuck." The proposed security enhancements received a major boost this week when Former President Bill Clinton pledged to lend his support to the cause. His recent diplomatic success with North Korea adds credibility, said Clinton. "I am prepared to personally examine every bra- and panty-wearing passenger in America," said Clinton, hastily adding, "But I'm not checkin' out any dudes' tighty-whities."
"That dog won't hunt!"
1. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/12/27/AR2009122700279.html
2. http://dissidentvoice.org/2010/01/the-strange-case-of-umar-farouk-abdulmutallab/
3. http://www.channelstv.com/newsdetails.php?news_id=15525
4. http://www.nypost.com/p/news/national/airline_bomber_was_on_terrorist_40oEGFQxxUx1mxA6XunwNL
5. http://www.globalsecuritynewswire.org/gsn/nw_20100113_3105.php
6. http://www.channelstv.com/newsdetails.php?news_id=15525
7. http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/09363/1024294-84.stm
Abdulmutallab was able to carry explosives onto an international flight despite rigorous airport security screening ("Are you dedicated to dealing death and destruction to the United States and its allies, or are you just wearing a diaper?") as well as sophisticated intelligence gathering and analysis by the CIA, the NSA, the FBI, and The Joint Congressional Underwear Oversight Committee. Counter-terrorism experts attributed Abdulmutallab's smuggling success to specially-designed "Hezbollah Happy-Face" boxer briefs and sophisticated counter-detechniques training provided by al Qaeda.
"We have the most technologically-advanced equipment and more trench-coats than Burberry's," said one CIA analyst, "but al Qaeda utilizes the most effective monkey-bars training in the world. We just can't compete with that."
The failure of the U.S. intelligence community to identify and neutralize the threat posed by Abdulmutallab's underpants are detailed in a report which was recently declassified by the Obama Administration. The nearly-insurmountable obstacles faced by the intelligence agencies included the following:
Direct communication from Abdulmatallab's family
Abdulmutallab's father, Alhaji Umaru Mutallab, a well-respected Nigerian banker and former government minister, warned officials at the United States Embassy in Nigeria that his son had adopted "extreme religious views" and may have ties to terrorists in Yemen (Ed. Note: Absolutely, 100% totally true)1. At the conclusion of the meeting, embassy officials asked Alhaji Mutallab to "please spell 'Yemen.'"
Detailed files containing Alhaji Mutallab's statements, along with corroborating photographs, known associates, last known address, and Abdulmutallab's Twitter username ("@plastiqueinmypants") were compiled by the CIA, then stored next to Indiana Jones' Ark of the Convenant crate in a secure federal facility
When later told by U.S. government agents that his son had been arrested for the bombing attempt, Alhaji stated, "See? I fucking told you!"
Suspect on MI-5's 'radar'
British intelligence had been aware of Abdulmutallab's political involvement with extremist groups for several years, but had not passed that information with their U.S. counterparts2. When asked to explain the failure to share threat intelligence with American intelligence, British officials said, "We didn't want to be a bother."
Critics also say the State Department should have been alert to the threat after Britain denied Abdul Mutallab a student visa to attend a bogus institution. U.S. officials say British authorities never informed them that the visa was denied, although they describe cooperation between the two countries since the incident as "seamless."3 U.S. officials also expressed uncertainty about the meaning of the word "seamless."
Abdulmutallab's name on known associates of terrorists list, "Catch-all" TIDE list, Billboard's Top 40 Nigerian Radicals list, Crate & Barrel mailing list. List Abdulmutallab's name not on? No-fly list.
Lack of communication with MI-5 aside, "Abdulmutallab had been on a list of people with known or suspected ties to terrorism for at least two years," and his name "was on the Terrorist Identities Datamart Environment list that is maintained by the U.S. National Counterterrorism Center and contains people who have loose ties or possible links to terrorism. People on the list are not necessarily on the no-fly list, or those who are not permitted to board commercial aircraft to or from the U.S,"4 while the "U.S. Customs and Border Protection agency had information about alleged terrorist Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab three days before his departure from Amsterdam to Detroit"5. Intelligence agency representatives have responded to criticism that U.S. taxpayers have funded Homeland Security efforts to the tune of $40 billion since 2001, in part to fund multiple terrorist "watch-" and "no-fly" lists that neither watch terrorists nor prevent them from flying.
"We view these lists as important tools," said a senior Homeland Security official, speaking on the condition that his name not be used because it could appear on a no-fly list. "These are tools the airlines need to maintain high airfares, force travelers to remove their shoes, and apply punitive measures against passengers who complain about overbooking, overcrowding, increasing baggage fees, and who ask to use the lavatory."
A private security consultant to major airlines, whose previous job was carrying former Vice-President Dick Cheney's soul in a secure briefcase, argued that the traveling public is being kept safe. "We are diligent about protecting American citizens," he said, "These lists are comprehensive, and the public can rest assured that no passenger aircraft will be attacked by Lee Harvey Oswald, Rhett Butler, Rosa Parks or Big Bird."
NSA intercepted communications
Roughly four months before the Christmas Day bombing attempt, the National Security Agency intercepted telephone communications in which al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula leaders discussed the possibility of using a Nigerian bomber in an attack. The intercepts were shared with the National Counter Terrorism Center6, which shared the communications with the National Security Agency. NSA officials immediately shared that information with high-ranking officials at the NCTC.
"We shared those NCTC communications with the NCTC," said an NSA official. "They also shared our communications with us."
DNI-CIA "Turf War" may have impeded communication
Director of National Intelligence Dennis Blair and Central Intelligence Agency Director Leon Panetta have been engaged in a "turf-war" for months, which may have hampered interagency communications7.
"I told Director Panetta repeatedly that there is absolutely no evidence that Mark McGwire ever used steroids," said Blair, "Plus, anyone named after a sandwich-shop chain is a stupid-head."
Panetta responded to Blair's accusations during a speech at The North American Tulip Importer's Association annual meeting, saying "His mama is sooo fat that when she was in school she sat next to everybody!"
In a leaked White House memo, President Obama attempted to arbitrate the men's disagreements. "If you two clowns don't shut the **REDACTED** up and at least pretend to be adults," the memo stated, "I will dress you both in St. Louis Cardinals Klan robes and drop you off in the middle of South-Chicago." In a White House press briefing last week, President Obama expressed optimism that the two would be able to work out their differences and focus on gathering intelligence, adding, "I can't believe I actually wanted this job."
In response to the thwarted Christmas Day undies attack, Transportation Security Administration officials are working in conjunction with airlines to ensure that every traveler is "safe, secure, and going commando." Delta, Continental, and American Airlines, among other carriers, have pledged that beginning January 1, 2010, "no passenger will ever board one of our aircraft wearing underwear." A spokesperson for Southwest Airlines, still the industry leader, expressed reservations about the practicality of such stringent security measures, stating, "Yuck." The proposed security enhancements received a major boost this week when Former President Bill Clinton pledged to lend his support to the cause. His recent diplomatic success with North Korea adds credibility, said Clinton. "I am prepared to personally examine every bra- and panty-wearing passenger in America," said Clinton, hastily adding, "But I'm not checkin' out any dudes' tighty-whities."
"That dog won't hunt!"
1. http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/12/27/AR2009122700279.html
2. http://dissidentvoice.org/2010/01/the-strange-case-of-umar-farouk-abdulmutallab/
3. http://www.channelstv.com/newsdetails.php?news_id=15525
4. http://www.nypost.com/p/news/national/airline_bomber_was_on_terrorist_40oEGFQxxUx1mxA6XunwNL
5. http://www.globalsecuritynewswire.org/gsn/nw_20100113_3105.php
6. http://www.channelstv.com/newsdetails.php?news_id=15525
7. http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/09363/1024294-84.stm
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Headlines
Tests find 'nothing wrong' with Limbaugh's heart
...or a heart.
http://www.cnn.com/2010/SHOWBIZ/01/01/rush.limbaugh/index.html
...or a heart.
http://www.cnn.com/2010/SHOWBIZ/01/01/rush.limbaugh/index.html
Headlines
Danish cartoonist hid in 'panic room' during attack
(CNN) -- Danish political cartoonist Kurt Westergaard hid in a "panic room" inside his home as a man wielding an ax and knife cracked the glass in the home's front door, Danish police said Saturday.
At a news conference in the Somali capital of Mogadishu, al-Shabaab spokesman Sheikh Ali Mohamud Rage said, "We are very happy with the Somali national who attacked the house of the Danish cartoonist who previously insulted our prophet Mohammed. This is an honor for the Somali people. We are telling that we are glad that anyone who insults Islam should be attacked wherever they are."
...Muslim terrorists, insulted at accusations of violence and religious extremism, respond with violence and extremism.
http://www.cnn.com/2010/WORLD/europe/01/02/denmark.cartoonist/index.html
(CNN) -- Danish political cartoonist Kurt Westergaard hid in a "panic room" inside his home as a man wielding an ax and knife cracked the glass in the home's front door, Danish police said Saturday.
At a news conference in the Somali capital of Mogadishu, al-Shabaab spokesman Sheikh Ali Mohamud Rage said, "We are very happy with the Somali national who attacked the house of the Danish cartoonist who previously insulted our prophet Mohammed. This is an honor for the Somali people. We are telling that we are glad that anyone who insults Islam should be attacked wherever they are."
...Muslim terrorists, insulted at accusations of violence and religious extremism, respond with violence and extremism.
http://www.cnn.com/2010/WORLD/europe/01/02/denmark.cartoonist/index.html
Headlines
USDA cites KU Medical Center for violation of animal protection laws
The University of Kansas Medical Center has been cited for about 160 violations of federal animal protection laws during experiments at university laboratories.
“Upholding the highest regulatory and ethical research standards is something we take very seriously at the medical center,” said Barbara Atkinson, executive vice chancellor.
...So seriously that we waited until we got caught to actually uphold them.
http://www.kansascity.com/news/local/story/1659492.html
The University of Kansas Medical Center has been cited for about 160 violations of federal animal protection laws during experiments at university laboratories.
“Upholding the highest regulatory and ethical research standards is something we take very seriously at the medical center,” said Barbara Atkinson, executive vice chancellor.
...So seriously that we waited until we got caught to actually uphold them.
http://www.kansascity.com/news/local/story/1659492.html
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