Who will pick up the crazy torch?

Osama bin Laden's death earlier this week has left the world wondering who will take up the madman's mantle. Thanks to unprecedented access* TotallyUnspooled has examined a vast trove of intelligence documents and offers this look at the select few who are most likely to pick up the crazy torch and run with it.

*Google

U.S. Navy Travel Agency

Department of Oh, THAT Enormous Walled Compound

Pakistani intelligence service officials failed to find Osama bin Laden's sprawling, million-dollar, three-story walled compound located less than two miles from a prestigious military academy in a neighborhood heavily populated by current and former members of Pakistani military and intelligence establishment
A senior official with the ISI, Pakistan's government intelligence agency, assured reporters Tuesday that a thorough search of the area was recently conducted.
"It's extremely difficult to see," he said. "It's only eight times the size of all the other houses in the area, and the barbed wire on top of the walls makes the house almost invisible."
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton cabled Pakistan President Asif Ali Zardari to inform him that Pakistan would no longer be allowed to use the words "prestigious" or "intelligence."

Department of Well, OK, But What About...

Unconvinced despite the release of President Obama's long-form birth certificate, birthers continue to press for proof.

Happy Easter

The day when Christians across America celebrate the, uh, "miracle" of their savior's death and resurrection by watching their children scramble to see who can collect the most hidden candy.

Department of Yer Doing It Rong

Richard Dawkins, uh, "responds" to Stephen Baldwin's insightful* questions about evolution.
Via Dispatches from the Culture Wars

*not insightful

Department of Not Even Remotely-Surprising Statistics

publicpolicypolling.com

Possibly related: 46% of Mississippi Republicans shocked to hear The Civil War is over, man has walked on the moon.

Department of Don't Even Have to Make This Up: Tea Partiers, Conservatives Don't Want Government Shutdown, Rally to Shutdown Government

Addressing hundreds of Tea Party activists rallying on Capitol Hill Wednesday, Rep. Michelle Bachmann (R-MN) warned that Democrats would blame the Tea Party if an impending government shutdown occurs.
"It appears that they have decided that they're going to take both feet and be stuck in the mud and not negotiate one tiddly wink," Bachmann claimed. "Because their goal, as they've already stated is to shut the government down."
"That's their stated goal. And you know what they want to do? They want to blame it on you! They want to say that it's your fault," said Bachmann to a crowd of Tea Party activists chanting "Shut 'er down!"
"I'd prefer not to shut it down," said rally attendee John Oltesuig, holding up a sign that read "Shut 'er down."
"I'd rather have our politicians act like adults," said Oltesuig, who was dressed in a colonial-period costume, "and make some real cuts because they should realize we can't continue."
Representative Mike Pence (R-IN), who, in a March interview said, "Nobody wants a government shutdown," also addressed the crowd.
"If liberals in the Senate would rather play games in this process and force a government shutdown rather than accepting what is a small down payment on fiscal discipline, then we should just shut it down," Pence said.

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker's Analysis of State Supreme Court Election Results: Some votes are more equal than others

Gov. Scott Walker said this afternoon that the spring election results show there are "two very different worlds in this state."

"You've got a world driven by Madison, and a world driven by everybody else out across the majority of the rest of the state of Wisconsin," Walker said at a press conference in the Capitol.

In an election widely viewed as a referendum on Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker's controversial collective-bargaining measures, unofficial results show union-backed challenger JoAnne Kloppenburg ahead of incumbent Republican State Supreme Court Justice David Prosser.
In a press conference Wednesday afternoon, Walker offered an explanation for Kloppenburg's apparent victory.
"Clearly, Madison voters have too much power," said Walker. "Their votes should not count the same as those of people who agree with me, like Wisconsin's rural voters. And the Kochs."
Walker called for immediate changes to what Walker called "fundamentally anti-democratic" election procedures currently in place.
"I plan to propose a series of reforms to the state legislature," Walker said. "including a measure based on the 3/5 Compromise originally enshrined in the Constitution."
When reminded that the 3/5 Compromise was superseded by the 13th Amendment, Walker stood firm.
"If it was good enough for Jesus and our other Founding Fathers, it's good enough for Wisconsin," said Walker. "The 13th Amendment was forced upon Americans by an activist president and Congress. I will not compromise on the 3/5 Compromise."

Bachmann's United States

Inspired by Chris Rodda's excellent (and thorough!) dismantling of Michelle Bachmann's claims to an Authentic Iowan Heritage over on Dispatches, we whipped up a map more accurately depicting our new, uh, "Bachmannian" understanding of United States historical geography.
Thanks to Ed Brayton for posting and to his readers' excellent comments, two of which - including a New England history unmuddled by facts, and how 50th state became the home of America's Heart of Darkness (and surfing) - are incorporated into this version of Michelle Bachmann's *shudder* America.
Stay tuned through the course of the upcoming presidential campaigns for more updates as Bachmann corrects more of our historical and geographic misconceptions.